Guest posting is awesome! Yes, really, it is! An opportunity to
Normally it isn’t my thing.
Group potty parties.
Sista and I were both on our way up to resume our quest to permanently imprint our unique butt dints in the world’s most uncomfortable ICU waiting room chairs and we both had to pee. Probably it was nerves. I’m sure we both went before we left our homes for the hospital but there we were again participating in the trickle tinkle tapdance.
I randomly select a stall which usually takes an obscene amount of time. By random, I mean I stand there agonizing over the selection because I want to pick the stall least likely to be used during the course of an ‘open for business’ day but knowing that I ALWAYS pick the wrong one and end up ASSaulted by the previous occupier’s swampassdefunk. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
Yes…I have public urination issues. Doesn't everyone?
I select. Hold my breath, enter, scan, pinch out a toilet seat cover and sit.
Tinkle, tinkle (don’t look at the floor, don’t think about the germs, locate paper dispenser) “….SONOFAEFFNBISCUITMAKER!!” I exclaim while pounding my fist into the stall wall blending the echo of my extreme aggrivation with the clangy jangle of loose hinges.
*snicker* “Uh…Duck…you okay over there?”
“Out of 10 flippin stalls how the hell did I pick the only one in here without any toilet paper?”
*snort* “…hang on, I’ll bring you some…”
And bless her everlovin arsewipin heart, if she didn’t pull up trou and shove a handful of squares under the door for me. What I didn’t realize until her feet were showing directly under the stall door infront of me was that her shoes were still in the stall next to me. Only they weren’t HER shoes next to me. Sometime between the scan, pinching out a toilet seat cover, dropping my own pants and attempting to block everything out some poor non-English speaking woman had the misfortune of selecting the stall next to me.
...On the side in which I fist pounded….with a vengeance…while yelling…
I further confirmed my lunacy by bursting forth in a cackle when catching sight of her very, VERY hesitantly exiting her stall.
It was infinitely funnier in the moment….might maybe coulda probably been the stress and sleep deprivation but it IS my memory...and I am owning it. Another toilet tale for the books.